By Anne Gagliano
A past column of mine entitled, “The Hard Conversations: Dealing with the Fix-It Mentality,” in which I point out that firefighters are fixers by nature and can be hard to live with at times, combined with a recent event, is the impetus for this column. The recent event was a speaking engagement at which my husband Mike was teaching a group of local firefighters. The class went off without a hitch: The students listened politely and were engaged and interactive, which is what a teacher always hopes for. After the class, several of the firefighters rushed up to Mike excited to speak to him; he assumed they wanted to discuss what he had just spoken on—some did—but to his surprise, the majority had another agenda. They couldn’t wait to show him a You Tube video and were actually giddy with excitement to do so.
Later that evening Mike came home to me. I asked him how is class had gone. He brushed off my question with a few words such as “fine, good,” then abruptly changed the subject by saying he had to show me a You Tube video. He giggled as he said so. What in the world did this video have to do with anything, and why was he so determined to show it to me? The clip started playing on his laptop. He was chuckling as I began to watch it.
The scene begins with the profile of a pretty young woman talking to her boyfriend/husband who is sitting next to her on a couch, listening patiently. She’s describing pain, headaches, how she feels all this pressure, and how she’s confused by it all. She then turns to face him, and we see that she has a nail in her forehead. The boyfriend/husband eyes the nail, and says, “Well, you do have a nail in your forehead,” pointing out the obvious. She tells him it’s not about the nail and to quit trying to fix everything and to just listen. She goes on with her diatribe, which includes her frustration that all of her sweaters are snagged, and he sweetly replies, “Oh, that must be hard,” and she gratefully cries out, “Thank you!” as this is all she was wanting from him.
By the time the You Tube, clip is over Mike is practically rolling on the floor with laughter. This is what the firefighters had wanted him to see, as they knew about my marriage columns. I’m only slightly amused. In fact, I feel more irritation than anything, as I wish to defend my sex against male insensitivity. The fix-it issue is a major source of conflict in marriage, and I’m ruffled by this mockery. Do men really think women are so stupid as to not recognize when we have a nail in our forehead? Do they really believe our problems are that easily identified and resolved?
I begin to remind Mike of the differences between men and women; women are sensitive creatures with incredible abilities to identify and sympathize with others. The emotion center of a woman’s brain (the hippocampus) is two times the size of a man’s; therefore, we handle and process emotion at a much deeper level. We deeply care—about everything.
I also remind him that a woman’s communication center of the brain is also bigger, and we like to talk—about everything. It literally makes us feel better. A sensitive man understands this and learns to just listen, to let us vent, to “hear our pain.” This is not something to be made fun of.
I’m just getting started. I go on to remind him that we have raging hormones that fluctuate as much as 25% a day, while men’s hormones only fluctuate 2%, so of course we get a little moody and emotional; we can’t help it sometimes. Why is that so funny? Our huge levels of estrogen make us capable of loving men in the first place; they should thank their lucky stars that we do so. Just because our neurological reality isn’t as constant and our perceptions sometimes aren’t as accurate because our big, sensitive hearts get in the way is no reason to belittle us.
I go on to remind him that men are twice as aggressive and full of testosterone (the courage hormone), which makes them compelled to fix and compete. Men don’t have the brain capacity to just ride out emotion; in fact, men are often very uncomfortable with sadness and avoid it like the plague. They often view people, including their wives, as projects. This is why women tend to be better caregivers, because we don’t try to “fix” people.
And finally, I admit that I’m insulted by the implication that men believe women’s problems are that easily identified. They aren’t; life is complicated and truly hard to understand at times. Problems don’t typically have easy solutions. It’s absurd for men to even think so for one minute.
A few days later, I’m “venting” to Mike about an ongoing issue I’ve had. He’s heard it before and, like the good husband he is, has listened patiently and empathetically on this topic many times. I wait for his learned response of support, but instead, this time, he simply states that it’s my own fault as I know what I need to do about it, yet I just refuse to do so. At first I’m a bit taken aback by this gentle but firm truth. I start to feel a bit offended, but then, to my surprise, I suddenly realize that he’s right! He’s actually right this time; my problem is a simple one with a simple solution that I’ve chosen to blow completely out of proportion!
I begin to rethink the nail video clip. A smile comes to my face; sometimes it is about the nail! Men and women do often think differently and see things differently, but this is a good thing! Our strengths and weaknesses complement each other, and if we can just have a bit of humor combined with a dose of tough love, we can learn to live peacefully together and “fix” things at the same time.
The very next day after my nail epiphany, Mike and I are speaking together at a chaplain’s conference on firefighter marriage. The crowd is responsive and wonderful, which is exactly what we speakers hope for. At the end of our session, a group gathers around us with comments and kind words and questions. A woman approaches me; she says she’d like my advice about something. I tell her I hope I can help and ask her what the issue is. She says, with frustration in her voice, how do I get my husband to quit trying to fix everything? And the beat goes on!
Anne Gagliano has been married to Captain Mike Gagliano of the Seattle (WA) Fire Department for 28 years. She and her husband lecture together on building and maintaining a strong marriage.
