By Anne Gagliano
Marital counselor Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr., who has worked with thousands of couples, believes that extramarital affairs have reached the 50 percent mark. An affair is devastating and typically ends the marriage; most do not survive such betrayals. An affair destroys the foundation of marriage, which is based on a one-flesh bond. How do affairs begin? What is the primary cause? Most affairs start with a lack of affection for the wife and a lack of sex for the husband. She doesn’t get enough affection, so she shuts him off sexually. When he doesn’t get sex—the last thing he feels like being is affectionate. It is a vicious cycle that Dr. Harley says will end in disaster if not rectified.
The following is a true story. When “Jane” fell in love with “Richard,” she knew she had found her prince. The strong, silent type, Richard was tall, handsome, athletic, and intriguing. Their passion for each other was off the charts. But soon after they married, everything changed. Jane began to realize that Richard’s “strong, silent” courting style masked his tendencies for emotional withdrawal and verbal abruptness. When he arrived home, he avoided conversation and buried himself in the TV or the computer. Any attempts she made at affectionate cuddling led straight to the bedroom.
At work, Jane transferred to a new department and there she met “Bob.” Bob was warm, affable, and everyone’s friend. He draped his arm around male and female co-workers alike and had a habit of giving hugs. No one was offended because Bob was so likeable. Jane soon found herself looking forward to seeing Bob; she welcomed his hugs, as they made her feel comfortable and cared for.
Bob laughed at her jokes and listened to all she had to say. They often had lunch together and he frequently sent her friendly notes. He called her “friend” and greeted her warmly every time he saw her. He sought her opinion and gave her compliments throughout the day, even noticing what she was wearing. He made her feel smart. He made her feel valued. He made her feel pretty.
Jane made the first move. Bob was surprised and at first resisted her advances. But eventually they began an affair, and Jane said it was the most satisfying sexual experience of her life. Her need for affection rendered Bob, who was a less attractive man than her own husband, sexually irresistible. Wives who are treated with little affection or attention are ripe for an affair.
Affection is the cement of a relationship. It symbolizes security, protection, comfort, and approval. It is absolutely vital to a woman. In fact, most women would say it is their number-one need. When a man expresses tender affection to his wife, he conveys the following:
- I will take care of you and protect you because I don’t want anything to ever happen to you.
- I’m concerned about the problems you face and I am with you.
- I think you do a good job and I am so proud of you.
If a man can understand how strongly his wife needs these types of affirmations, he will have a long and happy marriage. The typical wife can hardly get enough of them. Just as men need daily sexual experiences, so do women need daily signs of affection. In such an environment, passionate love making will naturally and easily occur, which will, in turn, meet the husband’s deepest need. Affection breeds sex, and sex breeds affection. You can’t have one without the other, because for a woman, sex without affection is absolutely repulsive.
Men do not typically need affection the same way that woman do, so it doesn’t come as naturally to them. But it can be taught, and it can be learned. Even the “strong, silent” types can do the following:
- Hug and kiss your wife every morning.
- Tell your wife that you love her before you leave for the fire station.
- Call her during the day just to check in to see how she’s doing—she loves this. It conveys thoughtful interest, even when you’re apart.
- Call before bed if you’re spending the night at the firehouse to say goodnight. Nighttime bonding is essential for a healthy marriage and should never be foregone because of a shift. Dr. Harley warns that couples who spend many nights sleeping apart are more vulnerable to affairs.
- At home, fall asleep snuggling a bit, even holding hands.
- Surprise her with flowers “just because,” and don’t forget to include a love note.
- You can never leave too many love notes—leave some in the morning before shift, minus the flowers. Twenty-four hours is a long time to be apart. Notes cut down on awkwardness at re-entry.
- Gifts for special occasions (i.e., birthday, anniversary, Valentine’s Day) should be sentimental, not practical. Learn how to shop for a woman—ask your wife or your mother how.
- When you arrive home, no matter how tough your shift was, always give your wife a warm greeting, which includes a hug and a kiss and a few words of how glad you are to see her. It really doesn’t have to be much, and it will help her to give you a bit of re-entry time.
- Do household chores without being asked. This is as good as foreplay to a woman.
- Take her out on dates, and include romantic gestures such as door holding, hand holding, and attentive conversation.
- Leave all harsh talk at the fire station. Words are very powerful to women; they have the ability to inspire closeness and to create painful distance.Give lots of nonsexual cuddling–hugs, kisses, winks, and smiles.
The number-one reason couples seek marital counseling is lack of sex, and the most common reason sex becomes a problem is lack of affection. For a man to grumble about “having to show affection when she knows I love her” is as selfish and foolish as a wife saying, “I shouldn’t have to give him sex when he knows I love him.” Think about it.
Anne Gagliano has been married to Captain Mike Gagliano of the Seattle (WA) Fire Department for 29 years. She and her husband lecture together on building and maintaining a strong marriage.
