By Anne Gagliano
It’s quite the occasion: We’ve reserved the entire banquet room for our small party of eight. In attendance are myself and my husband Mike, Phil Jose and his wife Trish, Casey Phillips and his wife Lynn, and Steve Bernocco and his wife Bonnie. The four firefighters are on a roll; it has been an incredible year for them, culminating in this grand dinner. They’ve flown us wives in to share this special day, as earlier they had received the distinguished Tom Brennan Training Achievement Award, 2008. It was presented to them during the opening ceremonies of FDIC in front of more than 25,000 of their peers. In addition to this great honor, they had that same week launched their newly published book, Air Management for the Fire Service. And to top it off, Mike had been the keynote speaker as well. What a week! What a day! They were high on life, and we wives were there to savor the moment together.
The meal began in this posh restaurant in our own private room. Anyone who knows Steve Bernocco knows this: He loves to order hors d’oeuvres. That night he orders nearly every choice on the menu. We begin to feast. We laugh, we talk, we toast, we cheer. We reminisce. It has been a long and grueling journey for this “Fab Four,” a.k.a. “The Seattle Guys,” and they are thoroughly relishing their hard-won achievements. We finish our desserts, and with the very expensive ticket come eight complimentary fortune cookies. We open them. As we’re reading our little papers, Trish bursts into uncontrollable laughter. We all pause to learn what has so amused her, then ask her to share her fortune with us. She’s laughing so hard she can hardly get the words out as she reads, “Behind every great man … stands a woman, rolling her eyes.” You can’t make this stuff up! It could not have been a more perfectly timed note of humor and reality for that incredibly auspicious event.
The saying could be viewed as mocking, even derisive, but I believe there is so much more to it than that. It is truth on a very deep level, a truth that I myself have experienced as the wife of a “great” man. A truth that I think anyone who’s married to a firefighter can understand, for let’s face it, all firefighters are great. I do not wish to leave out our female firefighters; for you, please read into this that behind you stands someone rolling his eyes as well.
So why is it that we roll our eyes? What is the emotion behind this gesture? I’ll tell you firefighters what it is, as you may not realize this. We do not roll our eyes to mock or ridicule you (although sometimes this may be the case.) We roll our eyes to the heavens above in a silent plea that God would here our many prayers for you and for ourselves–prayers along such lines as these:
Dear Lord, please help me to hold my tongue. For the firefighter spouse, this means to not say all that we know of the story behind the story during your moments of victory as this could be a major buzz-kill for you. We strive to keep private the fact that we saw the struggle, we know of the fear and doubt and insecurity, as we were there to see it all. We never wish to dissuade you from your pursuits, but the eye-rolling gesture is often a result of dreading the next idea, the next project, the next attempt at “greatness,” as we know what it takes–sacrifice, tremendous sacrifice. We wish to encourage, not discourage; hence, the silent prayer.
Dear Lord, please give me strength–strength to support, strength to endure, strength to live with the Type-A achievement-oriented personality that is typical of the firefighter. Firefighters are high-energy, always on-the-go people; for this reason, they rarely stand still. Hard-working, driven, and caring; they give their all on the job and off it. They seem tireless, but we spouses know they are not, as we often see the result—utter fatigue at the end of a long shift. They need strength to do all that is required on the job; we spouses need strength to help them survive it; hence, the silent prayer.
Dear Lord, please give me courage–courage to let him go into the deadliest work environments known to man, courage to sleep without him at night, and courage to hide my fears from our children. Courage to often face parenting alone, courage to fix scary house repairs in a pinch, and courage to attend many functions solo; hence, the silent prayer.
Dear Lord, please help him to know that he is not invincible. Tough, brave, and strong—firefighters are larger than life, everyday heroes. They will risk much to save someone’s property; they will risk all to save someone’s life. They train, they plan, they prepare, rendering them well-equipped to do what they do. They stand beside a team of incredible, reliable co-workers, which emboldens them even more so. But know this, firefighter, as strong as you may be, you can get hurt. Please do not take unnecessary chances, for when you risk your life, you risk breaking the heart of the woman who loves you; hence, the silent prayer.
Dear Lord, please help him to say “no” once in a while. No is a word not found in the firefighter vocabulary. It has to be introduced and is typically done so by the spouse. Firefighters are “yes” people by nature—yes, I can do this, yes I care, yes I will help anyone who asks of me. For this reason, they are asked to do a lot, for who wants to call on a “no” person? Who wants the lazy, unproductive person on their committee, on their project, on their team? Without intending to, the active, giving firefighter can detract from the one who needs him most of all—and who he needs most of all—his wife. Firefighter, saying no to others is still a yes—a yes to marriage; hence, the silent prayer.
In the most unexpected of places we often find true wisdom, as was found in that simple, random fortune cookie. “Behind every great man … stands a woman, rolling her eyes.” However you choose to interpret this saying, the bottom line is, no one achieves greatness alone; there is always someone standing with him.
Anne Gagliano has been married to Captain Mike Gagliano of the Seattle (WA) Fire Department for 29 years. She and her husband lecture together on building and maintaining a strong marriage.
