By Anne Gagliano
Every marriage is based on give-and-take. I give, you take; you give, I take. It is the essence of mutual satisfaction, a symbiotic dance where needs are met. When the dance is done well, both partners are giving and receiving equally, and the marriage is a happy one. When it’s done poorly, someone’s needs go unmet and the scales of a happy marriage will tip.
Every person has different needs that are as unique as that individual–different temperaments, different tastes, and different flaws—all of which grow and change just as the person does. These minutiae are discovered slowly, over time, and when you love someone you make it your life’s mission to know them all and to fulfill each and every one. But there are, however, some needs that are broader and more universal and true for all based on commonalities such as profession. Some of the basic marital needs of a firefighter, for example, are generally the same for all firefighters. These needs can include the following three things: lots of encouragement, lots of understanding, and a little space–encouragement when traumatized, understanding when drained, and a little space when irritable from the two. Most firefighters would agree when asked that receiving these three things from their spouse makes all the difference.
But marriage is about give-and-take. Firefighters have needs that are unique to their profession. And so do firefighter spouses; we, too, have needs that are derived from the very essence of what you do for a living. What impacts you impacts us. This profession is different than most others and can be very tough on relationships. To make marriage last and beat the odds, firefighters, here are three things your spouse needs from you:
We Need to Know That We’re Number One
You might say, “Well no duh—every spouse needs to know that they’re number one above all others, isn’t that what marriage is all about?” Yes, absolutely, marriage is choosing to have a relationship with just one person, forsaking all others to cleave only to you. But I’m not talking about other people; I’m talking about being number one over your profession.
Firefighting is a very unique job, one that is often referred to as “a calling.” This is powerful stuff. How does one compete with “a calling”? Firefighting is saving lives, it is urgent, necessary, meaningful, and fulfilling. Marriage can be rather dull by comparison.
Firefighters run with the big dogs of life: other firefighters, people who are larger than life—heroes, spectacular and awesome in every way. For this reason, firefighters tend to really like each other. They can have meaningful conversations without hardly speaking because of shared experiences—experiences a spouse can’t even begin to share.
An urgent calling with a vital mission and running with the big dogs—it’s hard to compete. If a firefighter spouse begins to feel “secondary,” the scales of a happy marriage will tip.
We Need You to Not Spread Yourselves Too Thin
When your job is to save lives, how do you ever say no? When all is urgent, when all can mean the difference between life and death, how do you draw the line? And when the needs of the community never end, how does a firefighter ever cease to fight?
Every project is important, from committees to training to leadership—it’s very hard to know when to say when. It is part of the firefighter nature to “give their all”; it’s what makes them even able to do what they do. It is almost superhuman—above and beyond what regular people do. But there is a price to pay, and that is extreme exhaustion, or burnout. Burnout can lead to bad behaviors, such as addictions, in an effort to function—to be able to sleep—to keep going at a breakneck pace.
Firefighter, if your marriage is to last, you have to hold a little something back. Do not give everything to the job, 24/7, because if you do—you will have nothing left for your spouse. This is true for any profession; work and family must always be in balance. But it’s harder for the firefighter to find that balance when lives are at stake. The urgency of firefighting can often seem more important than the needs of a spouse. Say no once in a while; let others fill some of the gaps. Play the long game and pace yourself; with a strong marriage, you can do both for a very long time. If you do not, you can become an addicted, drained, empty shell with nothing left to give to your spouse—and the scales of a happy marriage will tip.
We Need You to Communicate
Communication is essential for any relationship, but it is, unfortunately, often lacking in the firefighter marriage. Because of the nature of the job, firefighters often feel compelled to keep their experiences to themselves. This is born of a good intention—to protect, to shield a loved one from the darker side of life—but a misguided one. We spouses need to know what’s going on if we are to give you what you need: encouragement, understanding and space. If we don’t know, how can we give?
We want to hear your stories; we enjoy them, too. We want to laugh, to marvel, to share the intensity of your world; tell us about it. This makes us feel like part of the team instead of feeling left out.
Tell us about your opportunities, why they are important to you, why they matter, and all that is involved. And let us be involved in the decision, of when to say yes and when to say no, as this project may just be the one that puts you over the edge.
With but a little communication you can make your spouse feel like number one; make what you already feel and think known to her. She is not a mind reader; say what’s in your heart. If you will do this, the balance between your calling and your marriage will be equalized. Lack of communication will tip the scales from being supportive of firefighting to being jealous of it, and if the marriage tips too far—it just might end.
Communication is gold. Communication is diamonds. Communication binds two souls together. Both gold and diamonds withstand the testing of fire. Just as in the picture, keep your wedding ring front and center in the helmet you wear, and your marriage will be strong and never tip.
Anne Gagliano has been married to Captain Mike Gagliano of the Seattle (WA) Fire Department for 30 years. She and her husband lecture together on building and maintaining a strong marriage.
