By Anne Gagliano
Perhaps you know them, or know of them. Perhaps they are you. We’ll call them “The Bickersons,” as they are the couple who ceaselessly bickers. Their tendency to poke cutting jibes at one another is at first amusing, playful, and even slightly charming. But on closer inspection, this trend becomes disturbing as their disparaging remarks are made over and over again in private and in public. Your discomfort increases as you realize this isn’t playful banter but thinly masked, open hostility. And you are right to be uncomfortable, for what you are witnessing is a marriage in trouble, one that may very well end badly.
The University of Washington (UW) did a study on marital stability. The researchers tested 95 newlywed couples from the Seattle area. The subjects were given an oral history interview that lasted barely an hour. This simple test proved to be quite effective with profound results.
The interview (which was developed by UW Psychology Professor John Gottman) consisted of a series of open-ended questions that explored the couple’s history, relationship, philosophy about marriage, and how their parents’ marriages compared to their own. What the researchers found was this: How the couples spoke of each other, not so much what they said, was the key. If the couples easily focused on the positive, the prediction was that the couple would last. If they struggled to find the positive and focused primarily on the negative, the couple was predicted to fail. Nine years later they were reinterviewed; the predictions that were made based on how they spoke of each other were found to be 87% accurate.
How you speak to your spouse and of your spouse is one of the most important investments you can make in your family, in your career, and in your leadership. Words are very powerful; they have the potential to build or to destroy. Marriage is based on friendship; good friends speak kindly of each other and know the other has their back. Cruel words are a betrayal that undermines and erodes and weakens the bond of friendship till it is easily broken during times of duress. Firefighter couples, if you will choose to speak well of your spouse, you will reap the following benefits:
With positive words, you’ll get positive actions. Compliments and praise are powerful motivators. When you affirm your spouse for behaviors you like, the spouse becomes more likely to repeat those behaviors. The converse is also true: Consistently harping on flaws tends to ensure that the flaws will dominate. In other words, you’ll get more of what you complain about.
Focus on the negative and that’s all you’ll notice all the time. Negativity is like a slow-acting poison that eventually kills even the strongest of relationships. But if you choose to focus on the good stuff, affirm and praise and acknowledge your spouse’s wonderful qualities, then that’s what you’ll get—and lots of it.
With positive words, you’ll get positive beliefs. As you choose to speak externally, so you end up believing internally, as it is human nature to align action with attitude. If you tell everyone that your husband is lazy, then you begin to see him as such. If you say your wife is your best friend, then that is what you’ll end up believing her to be. Believe what you say, and say what you believe; the two are inextricably linked.
With positive words, you’ll get positive reinforcement. When you speak ill of your spouse to others, it sends a message—a message of discontent. This can be a signal to would-be predators that you may be “trolling” for a fling, the cost of which can be absolutely devastating.
An affair may damage your friendships, your reputation, and your career. And it will probably destroy your family. The toll on your finances, your emotional health, your legacy, and even your soul can be irreparable. What once seemed so harmless, just a little “criticism,” may, in fact, be utterly catastrophic.
But affirmation has the opposite effect. Speaking well of your spouse is an “adultery repellent.” When others clearly see that you are happily married, they will be much less likely to proposition you. Compromising positions are more easily avoided. When you talk about your spouse positively in public, you are, in a sense, building a hedge of protection around your marriage–a hedge that will keep out the destroyers and protect that which is irreplaceable.
With positive words, you’ll build positive leadership. How can a man be trusted to lead others when he can’t even lead his own family? How will anyone trust the woman who speaks so harshly of her husband whom she’s supposed to value above anyone else?
Fire officer, those underneath you will question your ability to lead if you so easily verbally betray the one closest to you. They will wonder, does this person bash me too when I’m not around? As a result, they may hold back and not give you their best efforts. At a firehouse, where leadership is paramount, lack of trust can have toxic, even deadly results.
But the man who praises his wife, who compliments and affirms her to all, this is a leader to be followed. How a woman treats her family not only will inspire trust but will set an example to be followed, respected, and replicated. And the leader who speaks highly of a spouse reinforces the right to lead, and this creates the optimal climate in a firehouse.
Firefighter couple, what will be your marital story? Will you be “The Bickersons,” the couple who puts everyone around them at unease with their discordant harping? The ones whose disrespectful treatment of their own marriage undermines the trust of those they are trying to lead? And when the going gets tough, the couple who will ultimately find themselves alone as the marriage fails?
Or will you be the happy couple who stands the test of time? This couple speaks almost in one voice because they are so tuned in to each other’s thoughts, feelings, and desires. Their words of praise for each other are like beautiful music that is pleasant and encouraging and inspiring to all. These are the people to be trusted, to be followed, to be admired, to be emulated. And you’ll know them by their positive words.
Anne Gagliano has been married to Captain Mike Gagliano of the Seattle (WA) Fire Department for 30 years. She and her husband lecture together on building and maintaining a strong marriage.
