By Anne Gagliano
In my last column, “Sometimes It IS About the Nail,” I told of true and recent events that led to the viewing of a YouTube video. The video mocked the typical male/female reactions to a problem and the angst these reactions can cause within a relationship. Women want to talk and get sympathy and support from their husbands, not solutions. Men typically want to just fix the problem and be done with it—no need for useless chit chat. Both sexes are, however, right; sometimes just talking is all that is needed, and sometimes solutions are required. The trick for married couples is to know when to do what.
The YouTube video accurately portrays the lunacy of a woman wanting to just talk about all the pain from the nail in her forehead, but men have their own idiotic ways, too. Men do not try to “talk” about their issues—instead, they tend to ignore the nail altogether or, even worse, find ways to work with or around it. That’s where spousal support comes in and can be incredibly beneficial; we can point out each other’s nails and help each other not only recognize them but remove them as well. We all want unconditional love and acceptance from a spouse, but sometimes tough love is needed to get to the truth–that we do indeed have a fixable problem or, in other words, a nail in our forehead. Here are three ways to know a nail when you see one:
1) You know it’s a nail when action is required. So many problems in life cannot be fixed. These issues may impact us but we cannot impact them, so it is in these instances when talking or venting really is all we can do. For example, we have no influence over the economy. We have very little impact on government, except for our vote. We can’t choose family or co-workers. We can’t make people treat us well. We can’t control the weather or unexpected illness. And we often don’t have much say in job requirements or salary. These issues are not nails.
But what can we fix? What is a nail? If you’re feeling depressed about your weight, you can get on a treadmill and eat less; this is a nail because you can take action. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by too many work hours—cut back, say no—action required, problem fixed. If there is distance forming between you and your spouse, make time for each other, go out on more dates, or stay home together—action required. If you’re avoiding a project and it’s stressing you out because it’s not getting done, watch less TV, spend less time on the computer, and get going—action required. If your kids (not other peoples’ kids) are out of control, practice some tough love and set up a proper routine with boundaries and expectations—action required. These are the types of stressors that impact us that we can indeed impact in return. The pain they cause can be healed with action.
2) You know it’s a nail when two or more people witness it. Let’s face it, sometimes we ignore our spouses. We don’t always hear what they have to say. Husbands, admit it, you often put on your “wife ears.” And wives, you’ll shut down if you feel your husband is being insensitive, whether or not he actually is. Or sometimes we’ve “heard it” so many times that “it” just becomes background noise, something we tune out. As a result, we don’t always take our spouse’s word for it, as we may have become a little biased against their opinion on certain issues. We do this because, again, we want unconditional love and acceptance, warts and all. Our flaws are part of the package that our spouses simply must endure whether they like it or not.
But we know we have a nail, or a fixable problem, when someone else other than our spouse sees it too. This is Old Testament stuff; two eyewitnesses are required to convict someone of a capital crime—two, mind you, as one may be “biased.” For example, both your spouse and your mother think you’re awfully tired, heavy, or unhealthy; maybe you should see a doctor? Or both your spouse and your co-worker think you’re always at the fire station; maybe you’re working too much? Or both your spouse and your child detect undue anger; perhaps, firefighter, you’ve been traumatized on a run and should seek some wise counsel? Two witnesses confirm the obvious; with two, we can no longer deny that “the nail” exists.
3) You know it’s a nail when you keep applying the wrong medicine. This is the definition of insanity–doing the same things over and over again but expecting different results. Like Norman Bates famously quotes in Psycho, “We all go a little mad sometimes.” We do indeed exhibit madness when we repeatedly exhibit the same old bad habits but expect things to change. We try to fix the nails in our lives with the wrong medicine, which only increases the pain, turning the nail into a railroad spike.
For example, we despair that our clothes are getting too tight; we feel sad and depressed, so what do we do about it? We eat to feel better. Wrong medicine! We can’t sleep; we’re always tired, we’re falling behind at work and totally stressed out. So what do we do to eliminate the stress? We watch TV until all hours of the night to escape reality. Wrong medicine! Our finances are a mess; we’re in debt over our heads, which is pulling us ever downward into despair. So how do we lift our spirits? We go shopping and buy something new. Wrong medicine!
This is insanity, and sometimes it takes a good long look in the mirror to see our own “nails.” Bad habits compound our issues, causing even more pain. It’s like taking pain pills for the headaches the nail causes instead of removing the nail! To change bad habits, they must be replaced with good ones, and spouses can help with this, if we let them.
Marriage is meant to be a support system–not just any support but the best available. If you’ll listen to each other, you’ll better recognize your nails and be able to remove them—together.
Anne Gagliano has been married to Captain Mike Gagliano of the Seattle (WA) Fire Department for 28 years. She and her husband lecture together on building and maintaining a strong marriage.
