By Anne Gagliano
Firefighters, I’m going to be brutally honest with you: All across the country, your fellow firefighters’ marriages are falling apart. I imagine this breaks your heart as much as it does mine. Why is this happening to our country’s bravest? What is the problem? As I travel more and more speaking on firefighter marriage, it seems to all boil down to this: Time. I’ve heard the following statements more so than any others as the reasons for a failed firefighter marriage: “We simply grew apart …. We spent as many as five nights a week away from each other .… We just lost touch.” Time is the primary culprit–time spent working too much (I’ve met firefighters who work as many as five jobs) and time spent away from the marital bed as a result of shiftwork.
Truman Parker, a marriage and family therapist, writes, “Night shift jobs fragment the family more so than any other work because of the erratic schedule which makes it difficult for couples to find the time to address their issues.” And marriage counselor Dr. Willard Harley concurs, saying that “night shift workers’ divorce rates are higher because couples are less physically and emotionally available to each other. An irregular, disruptive schedule causes an in-and-out pattern that makes it very difficult if not impossible for the other spouse to maintain a sense of oneness. If both partners work erratic hours or travel a lot, it becomes twice as challenging to stay in touch.”
The longer a couple is apart, the longer it takes them to reconnect, and this especially true for women. A wife can need as many as two days to feel emotionally connected enough to make love to her husband after just one night apart. Two days after just one night? The firefighter will have to return to work before he has even made love to his wife. Her primary need for emotional connection and his primary need for physical connection will both go unmet till either the cycle of disconnection is broken or the marriage ends.
Time is the problem, but it is also the solution. Love needs constant nurture and care to last, and this requires effort. Dr. Harley recommends that every couple should strive to spend 15 hours a week giving their spouse their undivided attention–time spent in meaningful conversation (her number one need) and time spent making love (his number one need). Fifteen hours, you say? That’s more than two hours a day; I can’t spend two hours a day talking to my wife! I can’t spend two hours a day making love to my husband! The two hours does include both making love and conversation, so let’s be real–an hour of physical and an hour of emotional, that’s very doable. And some of the time can be concentrated into a date night, which all experts agree is a must for marital health. For the erratic schedule, date night can’t be, say, “every Thursday,” but it still can be done at least once a week when it’s a priority. Conversation and fun outings: You pursued these when courting, and it led to your falling in love. Why should these activities cease after the wedding? If they do, then it should be no surprise when the relationship fails. It takes time to fall in love, and it takes time to maintain that love.
The best use of your time as husband and wife is is to spend it having meaningful conversation, as it is the key to “keeping in touch.” Simple solution, but easier said than done. The reason couples often have trouble communicating is this: Men and women view conversation differently. Men see conversation primarily as a means to an end. They like to talk about practical matters and hobbies and tell jokes and anecdotes. They tend to not like to talk about themselves or their feelings. (I find out more about my husband’s co-workers’ personal lives in five minutes than he seems to in five years!) Marriage counselors often report that husbands “clam up or reserve their stony silence just for her. They’ll be chatty with friends but shut down the minute she enters the room.” The reason? What she needs from conversation is different than what he needs. And the vicious cycle of disconnect begins.
If a man is to be a good husband, he must understand this one fact: Women enjoy conversation for its own sake. Talking about personal concerns and feelings brings a woman much pleasure—similar to that of a heroin rush. And instinctively, men, you know this. When you are first interested in an attractive girl, what do you do? You try to engage her in conversation. You pay undivided attention to her when she speaks, hanging on her every word. You show that you care about her feelings, her problems, her interests. And when you can’t be with her, you call her, because you know she likes this. If you don’t, you’ll risk losing her to the guy who does. Deep down, you realize that if there is no talk there will be no sex.
Your wife has the right to expect this same type of loving attentiveness after the wedding, does she not? How is it fair to be one way then suddenly become another way? If you fail to take the time to pay close attention to your wife in the way she needs you to (listening to her feelings and sharing yours with her), she will become disappointed and disillusioned as conversation degenerates into a hum-drum monologue of lists and business-as-usual. If you wish her to be connected with you, you must take the time to talk to her. A man who realizes this has the inside track to a woman’s heart. It will help her to keep “in touch” with you, as a woman is irresistibly sexually drawn to the man who truly cares about what she has to say. To deny your wife loving conversation is to neglect her in a profoundly hurtful way.
A man’s and a woman’s needs correlate very closely. Without conversation, the warm atmosphere and intimate physical relationship each partner needs (women need sex, too) cannot be maintained. Distance grows, and unfortunately, unmet needs might then be sought from someone outside the marriage who will meet those needs.
To help stay connected verbally, when away for the night, phone her from the firehouse just like you once did when you were dating. And when you call, talk to her like a lover, not a business partner, and she will feel close to you. The emotional reconnection will occur more quickly on your return from the firehouse (instead of as much as two days later), and the atmosphere will remain sexually charged. If you will take time for conversation, which provides the atmosphere for sex, time will be a friend to your marriage.
In Part 2, we’ll look at another way time becomes a friend to your marriage and the way, I believe, time can become your relationship’s worst enemy.
Anne Gagliano has been married to Captain Mike Gagliano of the Seattle (WA) Fire Department for 30 years. She and her husband lecture together on building and maintaining a strong marriage.
